COMIC RELIEF: Tea
by Silver Ice
Summary: This is about tea, hippogriffs, and weddings. Karkaroff, Voldie, Buckbeak, Potter Jr., and YouKnowWhat makes a special appearance. All at Remus's comfy hut.
1. Default Chapter Title

A/N: Comic Relief is back. I honestly think this one is really good, hope you enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the big lake full of tea, the hippogriff Tweggi, and the plot. Josh belongs to Sunglow, and himself. :)  
  
  
  
  
TEA  
  
  
  
  
Hermione, Harry, and Ron sat around the table that Sirius had conjured in his cave.  
"Now, anything new up at school?" Sirius asked now conjuring up a kettle.  
  
"There's a couple of new teachers, but everything besides that is normal as normal gets around here." Harry answered.  
  
"Tea anyone?" Sirius asked turning around.  
  
"I want tea. Please, can I have some!" A squeaky voice asked. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Sirius jumped up and looked around. The only other person or creature, that was in the cave was Buckbeak.  
  
"Who said that?" Hermione asked looking wildly around the cave.  
  
"Me! I want tea!" Ron was now staring at Buckbeak.   
  
He closed his eyes and then opened them, "He, he just asked for tea!?!?!"  
  
"Can I please have tea?" This time they were certain he had spoken.  
  
"Umm yeah sure, why not." Sirius walked warily up to Buckbeak and set down the saucer of tea. Buckbeak bent his head forward and drank it all in one large gulp.  
  
"Thank you! That was yummy! Come on! I'll take you for a ride!" Buckbeak screeched leaning down on his scaly knees. Timidly they climbed onto his back. Sirius, Harry, Hermione and finally Ron. "Let's go!!!!" And Buckbeak flew out of the cave going very fast to an unknown destination. When what seemed like a 5-hour trip came to an end everyone was thrilled.  
  
"I'm telling you, that is extremely uncomfortable," Ron said as he helped Hermione down. Harry got down not complain for he had ridden Buckbeak on two other occasions.  
  
"Not the best travel but still- Oh my gosh! We're as Remus's house!" Sirius exclaimed. Sure enough as everyone turned towards the direction that Sirius was facing they saw Professor Lupin running from a normal suburb home minus the fact it was in the middle of the woods.  
  
"What are you guys doing here! Voldemort isn't back!? Come in, let's talk," he led them into his house, which was _extremely_ clean.  
  
"No we're not here to deliver any bad news, what's been happening around here."  
  
"Nothing really Sirius. Just tiding up. So is it just you four here?" Remus asked moving around to a room coming back shortly holding a kettle.  
  
"Yep just us," Harry said.  
  
"Ahh yes then, would you care for any tea?" There was a loud thumping sound outside.  
  
"Drop the tea and run for your life!" Hermione screeched, jumping behind a large overstuffed chair. Everyone followed suit, and Remus quickly dropped the tea.  
  
Remus looked around puzzled, "What's going-" BOOM Buckbeak flew in through the door making a hole in the wall as he went  
  
"Yum, tea! Thank you very much!" As he finished he flew back outside.   
  
"My house," Remus said looking around in shock," well we're lucky I can easily repair it." With a flick of his wand the door was replaced and he fixed the hole as well, though the house looked very different now. "Right, what's new at Hogwarts?" He asked brushing back a strand of hair, relieved that his house hadn't been damaged beyond repair.  
  
"Nothing." Harry answered.  
  
"Just new professors." Ron chimed in.  
  
"Hermione, what about you? Anything new or exciting that's happening?" Remus asked turning to look at her, the others turned also, but what they saw was just not normal. Hermione had an evil mischievous look on her face that was never there before. "Oh no, not good, oh no oh no," Remus mumbled glancing around his house nervously.  
  
"You know," Hermione slowly began, "your house is veryyyyyy clean."  
  
"Yes, and we want to keep it that way don't we?" Remus asked, twiddling his thumbs. But Hermione continued as though she hadn't heard anything.  
  
"TOO clean, don't you agree?" Hermione had now stood up.  
  
"Oh… nonsense! It's not that clean at all! I mean really it's just perfect the way it is right?" Remus was now backing into a wall filled with many things, looking quite hysterical.   
  
"Are you sure, cause I don't think so, for instance, just look at this counter." She walked up to the kitchen area and waved her wand. Dust sprinkled on to the, now ink smudged, counter.  
  
"No! Stop in the name of the law!" Remus screamed.  
  
Hermione continued though ignoring Remus, "And take a look at this fire place! No soot in sight! Don't worry consider your problem fixed." Once again she waved her wand. There was now soot on the floor, and all over the mantel place.  
  
"Oh please stop, that's enough! No more!" Remus begged.  
  
"This shelf, I say, is way to clean! Don't you think so Ron?" Hermione asked looking at Ron. Ron, who had been sitting in shock, jumped up at being addressed.  
  
"Uh yeah, way to clean." Ron said finding it smarter to agree with Hermione. She continued to make things messy, and break anything she could get her hands on. Remus was sitting on the remaining pieces of a chair that was once fine and elegant muttering something that sounded vaguely like, "Such a sweet girl, such a nice girl. Why me, Why!" Harry was standing by the door in unexplainable shock. Ron had gone to following Hermione around, and Sirius stood in the corner smiling broadly.  
  
"Much, MUCH better," Hermione said satisfied starring at the messy, mangled house, "yes, it's never looked better, never."  
  
"Look at my house, my beautiful house! It's ruined, why me, always me!" Remus wailed tears in his eyes.  
  
"My friend I feel your pain." Sirius said.  
  
"How could you possible know how I feel!"  
  
"I know Remus it hurts." Sirius said patting his friend on the back.  
  
"It does, but I'll clean it again." Remus suddenly jerked his head up.  
  
"Stop it! Leave me alone!" A voice screamed.  
  
"You cannot hide it, just look at it!" This time they knew who was outside."  
  
"Karkaroff's out their chasing Snape, I tell you, it's no tea party listening to them everyday." Ron said  
  
"Tea where's tea? Oh my, I smell tea 55.5 million miles away! I must go," Buckbeak screeched. He then flew off.  
  
"Don't say the "T" word." Harry warned. He then suddenly jumped up from his seat on the floor. I just said it!" He looked around wildly, but saw no Buckbeak. "Whew!" Everybody arose and stepped outside. Sure enough Karkaroff and Snape were in the clearing arguing.  
  
"You," Snape shouted spotting them, "what do you think you're doing here?!?!"  
  
"Excuse me! What do YOU think you're doing here?" Remus asked starring at the two.   
  
"That Remus, is none of your business." Snape replied starring at him with hate in his eyes.  
  
"You know, this is MY property!" Remus shouted.  
  
"We don't care do we Igor?… Igor!?" Snape looked to Karkaroff. He was staring at Sirius. If course Karkaroff knew the Ministry hadn't found him, but he also knew that Sirius hated him.  
  
"Oh yeah, remember ME?" Sirius asked stepping forward.  
  
"Didn't me have tea together?" Karkaroff asked, nervously curling his goatee. Suddenly there was a great swishing sound.  
  
"Oh no! I think Buckbeak's not alone this time!" Ron shouted. He was right. There they were, hundreds of hippogriff's.  
  
"Tea, we want tea please!" A dark brown hippogriff said in a deep voice.   
  
"Stand back everyone," Hermione shouted. Everyone quickly moved aside, "Tealanos!" Tea was in front of every hippogriff. Not small cups but gigantic ones.  
  
"Thank you, now we can have tea!" Buckbeak squealed.  
  
"No problem!" Hermione said smiling.   
  
After getting over the shock of seeing Sirius, Karkaroff spoke, "What shall we do?! It is a sign, he is near." Snape stepped back and hit an orange hippogriff.  
  
"Get away you wretched fool." Snape screamed at Karkaroff. "OUCH!" Snape shouted out. He looked at his arm to see a deep gash.  
  
"You will never speak to Tweggi like that again!" With his orange color Tweggi looked deadly.   
  
Snape quickly scrambled away, "Sorry!  
  
"Now do you see it? The signs are so clear! That ugly Tweggi just proved it." Karkaroff said. What came next was fast swift and excellent. Instead of attacking Karkaroff, Tweggi did something amazing.  
  
"Want a ride?" Karkaroff, the idiot he was, climbed on. Tweggi took off.  
  
"Weeeee! Yay! Go horsy! Giddy up!" Karkaroff put his hands into the air and waved them back and forth. Suddenly Tweggi flipped over. "Oops!…I'm falling again!" Karkaroff fell through the air right on top of Snape. "I just fell down, ouch, it hurt, now I have to go, does anyone care? On well, bye, And Karkaroff was dead.  
  
Snape though was not dead, and he was not awake, he appeared to be unconscious. "I say, you deserve a prize!" Remus said happily. "I know, Tealotsoano!" The large lake that had been filled with crystal clear water was now filled with tea that could last year's.  
  
"Thank you!" A hippogriff named Josh said.  
  
"You are very kind!" Buckbeak chimed in.  
  
"We shall always be at your service. Well except for when we're drinking tea." Tweggi said.  
  
"Well then, drink!" Remus called.  
  
"How about we start heading back now?" Hermione said. Buckbeak was again kneeling in front of them. Everyone climbed on and waved good bye to Remus. Soon they were back in the entrance hall, walking to the common room when suddenly Hermione stopped, "We forgot Snape!"  
  
Ron smiled, "Now we just need Trelawny to leave!"  
  
  
~*~*~2 long years later~*~*~  
  
  
If you entered a lonely forest you would see a house with windows boarded, and the door locked with 10 locks. Through a little hole Sirius Black Spoke, "Remus, it's me, open the door."  
  
"Wha- Sirius, hi. Are you alone?" Remus asked.  
  
"Yeah I'm alone." He replied. Remus looked as far as he could through the hole but saw only Sirius.  
  
"Ok come on." He unlocked the locks and opened the door.  
  
"Your house is clean again!" Hermione said smiling.  
  
And that's what really happened!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
end  
  
  
  
A/N: Well? R/R. One thing I would like to say is I've got all these stories but they're all me and Sunglows ideas, and I thought why don't you give me the ideas? I can't think of any new subject now so help would be appreciated. Just tell me what you want happening. I'll disclude Karkaroff too, just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! I'm BEGGING! Give me ideas you want, tell me it was the STUPIDEST thing in the world, just let me know you read it!  
  



	2. Comic Relief: Tea

Comic Relief Tea Chapter two: Want to get married  
  
  
A/N: This is about a double wedding, see if you can guess whose. Oh yeah uh Fireballs is Ron and Kartuta is Mr. Sexy. So go ahead and read on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
Disclaimer: I have to say thank you very much to my cousin Cheryl who's Back when series you can find under Ron's Mistress. Or her new stories under her new names Sunglow, and Padfoot's Mistress. She helped Likkey Nee-kee-tee, and Kartuta- or You-Know-What to be born. And just remember F/R/R.  
  
  
  
"Yes there done! The O.W.L's are over, time for a tea party," Ron yelled happily as he and the other Gryffindor 5th years walked out of the potions room having finished the O.W.L's at long last.  
  
"Ron, remember what we said about the- that word," Hermione said hitting Ron's shoulder.  
  
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that, do you see them anywhere?" Ron questioned searching the corridor.  
  
"No I don't see them, but they could be coming, let's go outside just in case though," Hermione said.  
  
"Do you think they'll ever stop coming?" Harry asked speaking for the first time since the end of the testing. The three sat down at the end of the Quidditch field. The sun was shining brightly and there was no shady area, yet it was dark where the three sat.  
  
"I am Kartuta, and you will give me this tea you've spoken of," a large black hippogriff with red eyes said in an evil voice.  
  
"Well Kartuta we-," but harry was cut off.  
  
"You will call me You-Know-What, for my name is far too great for you," Kartuta said fiercely.  
  
"Ah Kartuta don't be stupid, just shut-it," another voice said. Everyone turned to see a pink hippogriff with green eyes.  
  
"Likkey, what are you doing here? And you are not worthy of my name either," Kartuta yelled.  
  
"You see this is why I'm not married to him anymore. He keeps going on and on and on about his name," Likkey said smiling at the look of irritation on Kartutas face.  
  
"Ron, what on earth are you doing?" Hermione asked starring at Ron in shock. Ron began to hum the tune of a popular Muggle song called The Macarena. He then began the dance.  
  
"Well you are worthy of my name," Kartuta said looking at Ron in a new light.  
  
"No Ron, Kartuta is an idiot, you can't trust him," Likkey said emotionlessly.  
  
"What are you doing Ron?" Hermione asked again as Ron walked up to Kartuta with love in his eyes. And suddenly Hermione knew. "Likkey could you take us to Igor Karkaroff by any chance?"  
  
"Sure get on," Likkey answered. Harry and Hermione climbed on and were quickly taken to a grubby old building.  
  
"What do you think he's doing here?" Hermione asked Harry. He shrugged in reply.  
******  
"Well Voldie would you like some more tea?" Buckbeaks squeaky voice asked.  
  
"Why yes Buckbeak, that would be nice," Voldemort said smiling at Karkaroff in a love struck daze. Wormtail was made to pour all the tea and he handed Voldemort his raspberry tea. Hermione and Harry looked on in shock.  
  
"Buckbeak what are you doing?" Harry questioned in shock.  
  
"Having tea with Voldie want to join us?" Buckbeak asked excitedly.  
  
"Yeah this is cool, we have one more chair," Voldemort said straightening his bib that said 'I'm a Big Boy' with little balloon's all over it.  
  
"Wow really? Cool dudes, thanks a lot, I love tea," Harry said happily. He took a seat next to Karkaroff, and magiced a bib onto his neck saying 'I'm a Merfaggot'. Harry's face was all over it.  
  
"So Voldie, what is up?" Harry asked sipping some tea.  
  
"Well Merfaggot the ceiling is up. And I'm doing pretty good," Voldemort said still looking at Karkaroff. Hermione felt like exploding as she watched the 'party'. She turned and went outside to Likkey.  
  
"Where's that idiot kid you were with?" Likkey asked curiously.  
  
"Oh the Merfaggot is having tea with Voldemort, Karkaroff, and Buckbeak. He is so stupid, now Ron, and Harry are both gone," Hermione yelled outraged.  
  
"Gee, isn't it odd that they what went to stupid bozos? The people who call themselves You-Know-What, and Who," Likkey said sighing.  
  
"I know it really is tragic," Hermione agreed.  
******   
"Oh my, I have to go use the Little Hippogriffs room. I'll be back soon though," Buckbeak screeched walking out of the room. No one took any notice though.  
  
"Oh Igor, what beautiful eyes you have," Voldemort said moving towards Karkaroff.  
  
"Oh Voldie your eyes are so beautiful too," Karkaroff yelled going to Voldemort and sitting on his lap.  
  
"Igor will you marry me? I love you so much! Please tell me you say yes," Voldemort screamed out holding a ring with a diamond teacup in the middle.   
  
"Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" Karkaroff shouted out.  
  
"Can I be the ring boy," Harry asked excitedly.  
  
"Why of course you can be Merfaggot! This will be great," Karkaroff said in pure joy.  
  
"I'll alert everyone, and I'll get the cake okay?" Harry asked jumping up and down.  
  
"Of course, but make sure it's strawberry though, I love strawberry, it's my favorite flavor," Voldemort said smiling.  
  
"Okiedinkers, I'll meet you back here in an hour or so," Harry yelled running to the fireplace, and using Floo Powder to get to Vito's Bakery.   
  
"Hey kid, what are you doing here? This is a private area," a guy with a nametag saying Bob asked.  
  
"Oh well I'd like a cake for Voldie, and Karkaroffs wedding. It has to be strawberry too. Can you bake it for me?" Harry questioned.  
  
"Well yes, this will be great can you go wait in that room right there?" Bob asked.  
  
"Yep, but hurry with that cake. Oh by the way you can come to the wedding," Harry said. He first went outside and announced to all about the wedding and then went to go wait for the cake.  
******   
Hermione and Likkey were back at Hogwarts hiding in between some bushes. They were watching Kartuta ride Ron around on his back. It was sickening; they looked like they were in love.   
  
"Kartuta… you're just so wonderful, this time together has been great," Ron said petting Kartuta.   
  
"Ronaldo, I quite agree, how can you be so magnificent? This must be some dream," Kartuta said.  
  
"Likkey how could you have married him? It's just impossible," Hermione said turning to the opposite clump of bushes.  
  
"Well he was very powerful, and if I married him I would be powerful too. It was fine, but then Nee-Kee-Tee was born, soon he was dead though because I killed him, Kartuta got mad, and we got to go to Hippogriff divorce court. That was fun," Likkey said in a daze.  
  
"Well, why was Nee-Kee-Tee gone?" Hermione asked curiously.  
  
"He got me annoyed because he was saying Tweggi was so un-cool so I blew him up. Everyone knows that Tweggi is so cool," Likkey said.   
  
"Oh really, that's so mean! Tweggi is soooooo awesome," Hermione said.  
  
"Exactly, but he has a big family. There's Tweggo, Twegga, Twegges, Tweeny, Twango, Twalla, and Twanogeo. Those are only 7 of his brothers. He has 20 other siblings. They all sound the same so it screws you up," Likkey said listing the names.  
  
"I can see why. So where do all the hippogriff's stay?" Hermione asked.  
  
"That's a silly question, everyone knows that we stay at the tea lake," Likkey yelled.  
  
"OH, you wouldn't mind taking me there? Would you, I mean you can go drink talk I need to talk to someone," Hermione said. Likkey nodded her head and flew Hermione to the lake that was an assortment of colors.   
  
By the lake stood a hut. Nothing like Hagrid's though. It was more of a house someone had built planning on building a whole subdivision. Hermione walked up to the door as Likkey went to join a group of orange hippogriffs. Hermione knocked and waited for an answer. Shortly the door turned and opened. There stood Remus Lupin. At first he was smiling, perhaps expecting Sirius or Dumbledore. As soon as he saw Hermione though his face took on an expression of pure fear.  
  
"Hey what are you up to?" Hermione asked cheerfully.  
  
"I'm uh. I'm uh… um doing Yoga! That's it I'm doing Yoga so you have to leave now, bye!" Remus said trying to close the door.  
  
"No, your liking I see that vacuum. How can you put it through such hard work? You have to do something too you know," Hermione said walking inside. Hermione tried to grab the handle, but first the tea table and hot tea were spilled all over the new pure white carpet. Then picture frames fell to the floor, glass shattering. And then of course Remus was knocked to the floor.  
  
"You really should clean your house it's so dirty!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"No more please," Remus pleaded.  
******   
Karkaroff stood in front of the dressing room mirror smiling. He had on a long white gown with white thin straps. It also had a large bow attached to the back, and sparkles all over the dress. His vail was circled with white roses. And his shoes were made of glass. He did this because of his love for Cinderella.   
  
"Karky, you look beautiful!" Voldemort exclaimed.  
  
"Voldie will you stop you make me blush," Karkaroff said blushing a pink shade. The two laughed as they bought everything and disapperated to the grubby place they had been before. There they saw a large strawberry cake.  
  
"Hey Voldie I got you a ring!" Harry exclaimed holding his hand behind his back.  
  
"Where? Can I see please!" Voldemort pleaded begging for the ring.  
  
"Well at Vito's I saw a ring machine and I got a pretty blue ring. Here you go, for you!" Harry yelled out.  
  
"Everything is working out so great I love this," Karkaroff exclaimed in excitement.   
  
That's when Buckbeak walked into the room. "Sorry I took so long. I had to go poo," he said.  
  
"Buckbeak, guess what!" Voldemort yelled.  
  
"Chicken Butt!" Buckbeak answered happily.  
  
"Nope, me and Voldie are going to get married!" Karkaroff said massaging Voldemort's thigh.  
  
"When? Where?" Buckbeak asked anger building up in him.  
  
"In an hour at McDonald's!" Voldemort said.  
  
"I'll be there. See you later bozos!" Buckbeak said growling and then flying off.  
******  
"Fireballs, I am sure now we are meant to be," Kartuta said in seriousness.  
  
"Mr. Sexy, you're right will you marry me?" Ron asked on his knee, eye to eye with his lover. Kartuta bowed down and excitedly said yes. "Well then, shall we be going to the store now? We must get ourselves ready," Ron said standing up straight.  
  
"Hop on, we'll go to 'Madame Malkins Robes for all Occasions' first Fireballs," Kartuta said flying off. They reached the shop quickly enough, but stayed quite a while. Ron' dress was a white strapless gown that Madam Malkin sold to him with pearls. Kartuta though had to have much work done to make his tuxedo fit. It was purple with pink polka dots, and the tie was green with yellow stripes. As they bought everything Karkaroff, Harry, and Voldemort cam in. All the customers ran away screaming but the four talked and reached an agreement, leaving with smiles.  
******   
Many had received the message and the McDonald's was full.   
  
Elton John's voice rang out quieting the crowd. "We are here for a double wedding, Kartuta with Ron, and Voldemort with Karkaroff." Kartuta and Voldemort stood at the counter smiling as their brides walked to them. "Now all against this wedding rise." Everyone looked around and rose up except for Harry. The best man had on a mermaid outfit, and was in a tub.  
  
"Karkaroff you die! Voldie was all mine," Buckbeak shouted out. He flew to Karkaroff and sliced off his head with his beak.  
  
"Oh no, Karky you're dead," Voldie screamed, "this is your fault," he said to Ron.  
  
Ron though had begun to close his eyes and he fell to the floor. Through all the trouble of the day everything wound up fine in the evening. Kartuta got tierd and left, Voldemort married Buckbeak, Harry went into the lake at Hogwarts, and Karkaroff was buried.  
******   
Hermione and Ron sat in the common room later laughing about the day. Hermione had ruined Remus' house and then rushed to the ruined wedding. It turned out that Ron had some potion that made him act the way he did.  
  
"Now who do you think it was that gave me it?" Ron asked. He obviously had not seen Malfoy smiling happily at the wedding.  
  
And that's what really happened!  
  
end   
  
A/N: Vell Vhat did you think? Strawrberrys are yummy aren't they? Remember to F/R/R. Buh~bye   
PS: I wrote this in Florida under a blazing sun. So if it's odd or OOC don't tell me because chances are I know.  



End file.
